So I’m finally working my way through the parts of Orange Box that I never got around to. Mainly, crushing the Half-Life 2s present on the disc. Unfortunately while playing the game I can’t help but compare it to other popular FPSers, and think to myself “Damn, this game bites in comparison”.

And I understand that Half Life 2 was out awhile ago, but really, it just doesn’t seem that good to me. So lets see, around the same time as HL2 both Halo 2 and Doom 3 were out, both substantially better games in my opinion. Of course it is hard to compare the three, Halo 2, is a straight up actionfest, Doom 3 was all about scares and monster-closets, and HL2 explores more of a platforming/exploration experience with a little shooting thrown in there on the side.

I really hope that for the next installment of the series Valve decides to do more things than jerk themselves off with a new physics system and tell themselves that they did a great job over and over. I get it guys, I can use the gravity gun in a variety of situations, but do I want to? Shit no, I’m all the way to Episode 2 now, all I want to do is rock the shit out of some striders and ride on the back of Dog like some sorta cowboy.

Do you hear me Valve guys? I love the IP, and I love the story, but enough of the HL2 rules you have installed, I am sick of them. So here guys, just for you is a list of things I would love to see changed for Episode 3…..or Half-Life 3, whatever it may become.

10 Things Valve Needs to Change In The Half Life Series
1. Controlling Freeman is ridiculously floaty, this is shameful. It is the year 2008, our first person shooters should control tighter than a (insert dirty vagina joke).

2. Oh, there is a rocket crate, so there must be a big enemy here for me to shoot. Then again…then again… and again….. Do you get what I am saying? Not only is this poorly executed (fire at bad guy, hide, repeat) but it is BORING as shit. Then I have to do it a dozen more times in the game. I love fighting big bad guys, but the fights should be fun and exciting.

3. Gordon needs to talk. People say stuff to him, and hes just a dick, and ignores them. I suggest you get Fred Ward to do the voice acting.

4. Gordon needs super weapons. The rocket is no longer a super weapon when it takes 9 to kill a big enemy, it is a puss-gun at that point. Get him some fucking alien tech or something for christ sakes. When I’m playing a FPS I want to feel like I can do some damage, not that I would faint if someone slapped me too hard.

5. New color for environment suit. And give us some 3rd person cut scenes so we can see how bad-assed we look.

6. NEW ENEMIES. I am so so so sick of killing combine soldiers, ant lions, and zombies. This is bullshit Valve, I have given you plenty of my money, you give me more than 3 enemy types. Or I am so not sending you an X-Mas card this year.

7. Break some rules. Games are most exciting when they throw unexpected shit at us. The most unexpected thing that has happened in HL2 so far is a wall blowing up, or a pipe falling. Mix up the way the game is played, banish us to another dimension, have us dress up as a combine and infiltrate something. Let us play as Dog. Fuck guys, I’m not even getting paid for this.

8. Color pallet. Increase it.

9. Nazi mentality. This was done wonderfully well in the first bits, but then we kind of lose sight of how humanity is being controlled. I would like some more cool shit.

10. Please never make me drive an air boat again, or hike through 2 hours of sewers and aqueducts. I cried blood, and the doctor said that that only happens when I’m really turned on, or incredibly bored. And I didn’t have a boner at all.

TTFN
-Kid C

(and if anyone from Valve actually does read this, I’ll still buy your next damn game even if you don’t listen to me. It’ll just break my little black heart is all.)

Take a stand!

1. I would rather swallow my own tounge than read this rediculously long post about you playing a video game. Do me a favor and die.

   — B · Apr 10, 11:40 AM · #

2. HAHAHAHA. this still cracks me up. and I have no clue what the video game really is. at all. nope. not a clue.
   and dude, it’s “ridiculous.” ya’ll never like to spell it correctly.

   — SassMistress D · Apr 11, 05:00 PM · #

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