I always thought that the Super Smash Bros. series was the most casual of all fighters. It plays on friendly Nintendo hardware, most recently the Wii-the system designed to market to non gamers and anyone else not hardcore. No you’re not hardcore. Its fighters are almost all lovable and huggable characters that induce nostalgic thoughts of good-willed adventure and heroism rather than cold-blooded violence and schizophrenic disorders. That’s why I was shocked to find the sinister side of the Brothers of Smash.

After some digging I found the dark truth to the matter. This game is played with more bravado and elitism than anything else out there. Underhanded tricks and abusive glitches are all commonplace just skin deep beneath the colorful fluff. Techniques I had never heard of and rules that change the very core of the game are in place in order to confine the mascots in a fascist cage. It doesn’t end there.

I dug deeper. I lurked in shadows. I followed those who were following others. What I found is bigger than anything a game editorial should handle. There are secret circles, underground organizations that run tournaments. These are no ordinary round robin or elimination tournaments. The stakes are much higher. I saw a man lose his middle finger to a power drill after he accidently rolled off the edge of the stage as Yoshi inside his egg. It was horrible, he still had 2 stock left and he was forced to play on. The astonishing thing is this, after the match was over, I learned that the suicide was a calculated and premeditated move. The player needed to give his opponent some amount of overconfidence so he to come back and strike hard and fast and deliver a few blows his opponent wouldn’t be ready for. Strategy like this is not unheard of in these circles. Yoshi defeated Bowser and the man who had lost a finger had gained a small fortune. The loser lost much more than a finger. Much more.

Take a stand!

1. Lightning, lightning, lightning, you’re dead.

   — B · Apr 1, 08:42 PM · #

2. Ouch. Another reason to why I don’t anger small, queer dinosaurs.

   — Joe · Apr 2, 12:51 AM · #

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