Comcast is the nation’s largest cable television provider, and second largest internet provider. It is also achieved one of the lowest scores regarding customer satisfaction by a survey of American companies and agencies, even lower than the infamously hated IRS. Even my subscription to the company’s services is less than perfect. Our television programming often blacks out for a second, and any attempt at playing a game online is interrupted by noticeable lag if my girlfriend takes her computer online. Our billing has been oddly incorrect on more than one occasion, and promises of call backs from customer service have never come true. I’m not here to talk about any of that.

We have Comcast’s OnDemand service which opens up a myriad of programming choices to enjoy. Television shows, free movies, pay-per-view movies, etc. The bell of this ball is FearNet. FearNet is an ever changing assortment of horror movies. It includes some classics and hidden gems, but also an array of B and even C movies you will never hear of anywhere else. Even though it’s more of the latter, it’s a win-win situation. Watching a crapfest of a low budget horror film is just as fun as watching a sci-fi horror classic. The films themselves are not the best aspect of FearNet; they are eclipsed by perhaps the best writing known to man. The kind of writing I hope outlasts our civilizations and is found by aliens millennia from now. I want to meet the man who writes the synopses of the FearNet movies. I want to be that man.

Here some samples of the master’s work.

Cutting Class -This is not one of the finest films ever made. Unless you like blood. And screaming. And high school kids. And mental patients. And murder. And hey, isn’t that Brad Pitt! What’s he doing in this movie?!

Vampire Effect -The prince of the vampire nation is determined to bring a new age of darkness upon the earth. But not so fast, sucker. First, you’re going to have to deal with these two high-kicking girls!

Love Object -An insecure technical writer purchases a life-size female doll o the internet and gains a twisted relationship. After gaining confidence from the doll, he meets a real life woman. And the doll goes ballistic.

Jekyll+Hyde -The famous story has been updated for the 21st century. This time, Jekyll is a medical student whose been experimenting with an ecstasy-like drug that slowly turns him into a killer. Wait. I thought X was supposed to make you love people?

Candy Stripers -Dudes, if you wrote a horror film, it’d probably be something like this: College basketball player gets hurt. Goes to hospital where nurses are Playboy Playmates Deanna Brook and Serria Tawan. But really they’re aliens who just want to breed. Awesome

I feel like I don’t even to watch the films. The descriptions give me all I need to really enjoy all they have to offer. You sir, are a genius. Your mastery of the english language and brisk delivery achieves levels that surpass the greats. The man behind these summaries should receive the Pulitzer Prize. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy.

Take a stand!

1. I’m sorry Adam but you are wrong…

   Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

   …Yoda just schooled your ass.

   — B · Mar 13, 02:49 PM · #

2. It’s call the transitive law. I don’t know how they did algebra a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away- but here if fear leads to anger, and anger to hate, then fear also leads to hate. Also, my bad.

   — Adam · Mar 14, 02:46 PM · #

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